The Last Time
by ConflictedCalypso
Summary: Set directly after Instinct - Helena goes to find Myka after she leaves, intent on having a proper goodbye.


As the door to her hotel room shut behind her with a resounding click, she finally let herself feel the weight of the emotions that had been weighing her down since she'd clambered into the passenger seat of their rental car and allowed herself to be driven away from the only woman that she'd ever truly loved.

Her back hit the back of the door as he head fell back against the wood with a heavy thud, hands curling into fists and nails biting into her palms, as she tried to fight back the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.

Pete had had the good sense to leave her alone, retiring to his own room with only a sympathetic smile, which had just made her feel even worse. For all this time, she'd thought that Helena had been banished from the warehouse for one reason or another and that was why she hadn't heard from her for so long – but no, as it turned out she'd just shacked up with some guy who happened to have a daughter that no doubt reminded her of the one she'd lost so many years ago.

It was unfair, she supposed, as she forced herself to move away from the door, choosing to collapse on the bed instead, to say that the only reason Helena was with Nate was because of the kid. But it had been playing on her mind all day, and it was still there now, ever present and nagging.

She was exhausted, and the idea of curling up in bed and sleeping for as long as possible sounded like heaven, but she didn't know if it was achievable with the way her mind was still racing. Still, she stripped off the clothes she'd been wearing that day and pulled on a tank top and pair of shorts instead, and curled up beneath the heavy covers of the double bed with a book in hand.

But although falling headfirst into a book was her usual escape, it wasn't working that night, and after she'd read the same sentence three times, never remembering a word it, she gave up, slamming the book shut and dropping back into the bag that she'd left on the side of the bed.

She almost wished that she had a bottle of wine to drown her sorrows in, but she wouldn't do that with Pete in the next room, didn't think it fair after all he'd been through – no doubt he'd be able to smell it on her breath the next morning. So that left her with little other to do than find a movie on one of the few TV channels playing on the crappy TV that sat on the wall opposite her bed, and try to keep her thoughts away from H.G.

It wasn't an easy task, but she was just starting to doze off when there was a soft knock at the hotel door – she ignored it at first, sure it must be Pete and not really feeling up to company – and then it came again, this time with greater insistency.

"Go away, Pete!" She called, running a frustrated hand through her hair, annoyed at being woken up when sleep beckoned so sweetly. But the voice that came through the door in reply wasn't Pete's, and had her heart jumping to her throat with the impossibility it presented.

"It's not Pete, it's me. Let me in, please." Helena's voice was soft, pleading, and Myka could practically imagine the look on her face. Sure that she must be dreaming, that this couldn't possibly be real, it took several moments for her to move, to force her feet towards the door.

Sure enough, Helena stood outside, wearing the same clothes as she had when Myka had left her earlier, wringing her hands, eyes wrought with regret as they met the taller woman's, and if she didn't know any better Myka would say that H.G had been crying.

"What… what are you doing here?" She managed to find her voice after a long stretch of silence, brows pulled into a frown, because really, it just didn't make any _sense_.

"I came to find you," Helena replied, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. But Myka's frown only deepened, still not able to comprehend what could bring Helena to her door. "There were no flights back to South Dakota tonight, and this is the only hotel within twenty miles – it wasn't that hard."

"But why?" The sigh that left Helena's lips was delicate, and her expression was torn, clearly caught between two warring answers.

"Can I come in?" She asked eventually, and Myka wasn't sure that being alone in a room with Helena was really the right way to go. Not when she wanted to kiss her so badly that it was taking every ounce of self-control she had to race forwards, to hold the woman in her arms once more. Not when she wanted to scream at her for the way she made her feel; like her heart was about to leap out of her chest, like her world would fall apart without H.G in it, like she'd never be able to breathe properly again until Helena was hers.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," she replied after a few more seconds of silence, watching Helena's face fall at her words. "Sorry." She added almost as an afterthought, trying to ignore the way that dark eyes were trying insistently to catch her own – she was half-scared that if she allowed herself to fall into that addictive gaze that she'd never be able to find her way out again. She'd certainly be unable to keep Helena out of her room, in any case.

"Please, Myka," the elder woman pleaded, and Myka's eyes nearly fluttered shut with the way Helena said her name, as though it was the sweetest word she knew. "Please." There was such desperation to the words that Myka longed to agree, to do whatever she wanted in order to never hear Helena sound so tortured again.

She deliberated for a long time, sure that it would be a terrible idea for her to agree, but then she realised that this could very well be the last time that she ever saw Helena again, and saying goodbye in a hotel corridor wasn't really a memory that she wanted imprinted into her mind. So with a sigh she stepped aside and allowed the other woman inside, trying to ignore the way the smile that Helena threw her way made her stomach flip.

"Why are you here, Helena?" She asked again once they were both inside and the door was shut firmly behind her. She stayed where she'd been when she first came in, back to the wood, watching the way the British woman's eyes surveyed her room with a great deal of scrutiny.

"I couldn't… I couldn't let that be the last time I saw you." H.G turned to face the younger woman before moving towards her slowly, almost as though she were approaching a frightened animal. "I couldn't let you go away thinking that I chose him over you."

The words caused the breath to catch in Myka's throat as she forgot how to breathe. She shook her head, denying what she was hearing, refusing to believe they were true for even a second – because she knew that they could so easily be ripped away, and she didn't think that she'd be able to survive it.

"You did choose him over me. You've been here, with him, for months, playing house while I thought… I didn't know what had happened to you. You just _left_. Do you have any idea how that felt?" Myka's voice broke on the last word and she blinked back yet more tears as H.G flinched.

"I… I'm so deeply, truly sorry for that but I - "

"But you _what_? You knew where I was this whole time, but you never once came back for me. If you cared for me half as much as you claim to, then you would have."

"I know." Dark eyes disappeared behind long lashes as Helena's gaze moved to the floor before meeting Myka's eyes once more. "God, I _know_. But that warehouse, Myka, you must understand – it's not _good _for me. Everything bad that's happened in my life is associated with that _damned _place, and I can't… Going back there would ruin me, I'm sure."

"All I understand," Myka managed to speak even though her heart ached for the woman before her, the woman who could have had it all had her life gone so very differently, the woman that had stolen her heart without even trying. "Is that you ran away from the warehouse because things got hard. Ran away from _me_." Her voice broke again and she cursed herself for appearing so weak.

"Myka, I…" Helena trailed off, voice once again desperate, as she took several steps forward until she was directly in-front of the taller woman. "I really am sorry."

"But you'll never come back." She'd known that the words were true for a very, very long time, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt to speak them aloud. They weighed down heavily on her chest, making it hard to breathe (and it didn't help that she could feel the heat emanating from H.G's body, the scent of her perfume invading her senses). "Not even for me."

Helena seemed unable to speak to agree, but the look in the shorter woman's eyes was confirmation enough. Her mouth opened once more, no doubt to spill more apologies, but Myka shook her head, not wanting to hear another word.

"Don't. I don't want to hear it." Helena's head bowed, and the muted light coming from the corner of the hotel room cast dark shadows across her face. Myka was suddenly struck once again by the thought that this could very well be the last time she ever saw this magnificent woman before her – it was unbearable, but not as unbearable as the thought that their last encounter would be marred with words of anger and regret, sadness and suffering.

"I didn't come here tonight just for that." Helena's voice was soft, and when her eyes met Myka's once more they were darker than usual, laced with an edge of dark desire that made the taller woman shiver under its intensity as H.G took another two deliberate steps forward, until she was all but pressed to Myka's front.

"What else do you want?" Her words were a mere whisper, and her breaths came out too quickly, unable to tear her eyes away from Helena's lips.

"I couldn't _stand _the thought of never knowing what it feels like to have your lips against mine." Myka's breathing hitched, her heart racing as she felt Helena's breath against her lips, and she was utterly powerless to move away as a hand curled around the back of her neck, dragging her mouth down to press to red lips.

Helena waited, though, pausing with mere millimetres between them, content for them to just breathe the same air. It was electric, to be so close to someone but at the same time be so very far away – it felt was though there were miles and miles between them, in that moment, neither willing to be the first to break the perfect moment, neither really sure they wanted to, sure that this kiss would start something that they may never be able to finish.

It was Myka who broke first, unable to hold back as Helena drew in a shuddering breath – her hands moved to grab roughly for the shorter woman's waist, fingers scrambling across smooth skin as she fought to ground herself because she was falling, falling, as Helena's willing mouth pressed against hers, finally, lips parting beneath the gentle pressure of Myka's tongue.

She moaned as Helena's hands twisted in her hair and a thigh slipped between her legs, pressing her firmly back against the door. Distantly, in a faraway part of her mind, she wondered what she was doing, screamed at herself to stop, but at the soft gasp that left Helena's mouth when Myka's nails skimmed just underneath the protrusion of Helena's hipbone, she knew she was done for.

But as eager lips moved to trail down the side of her neck she tried to regain control of herself, because she knew that they really _really _shouldn't be doing this, but she found it hard to find words as teeth closed around her pulse point, sucking the skin hard enough to leave a mark.

"Helena," it came out as a breathy moan rather than anything else as lips moved down to her collar bone and hands skimmed along her sides, and she became painfully aware of the fact that she wore no bra under the thin material of her tank top. "We, _god_, we should really stop this."

Though her hands didn't moved from where they'd settled at Myka's hips, Helena's head did lift and she gazed at Myka through lidded eyes, her lips already starting to bruise from the force of their kisses.

"Why?" Such a simple question, but Myka had no answer. How could she put a stop to something that she'd wanted for as long as she could remember? "Don't you want me?"

"Of course I do," she replied, sighing at the ridiculousness of a world where she wouldn't want Helena in every way possible.

"Then what's the problem?" Those sinful hands moved once more, nails raking across Myka's taught stomach muscles in a way that had her biting down on her bottom lip in order to keep herself quiet. "Because I don't see one."

"You're with somebody else – it's not right." Loathe as she was to bring Nate into… whatever was happening between them, she'd never been someone that agreed with cheating. Helena let out a long-suffering sigh, her fingertips coming to rest so they were just barely brushing the underside of Myka's breasts.

"Honestly, I don't know _what _is happening with Nate and I. But I do know that he is nothing to me when compared to you. Just… we have one night, Myka. One night together, and that's it. Are you really going to deny us that?"

Every cell in her body screamed that this was her chance to put a stop to it before they reached the point of no return, but the words stuck in her throat, because she knew that, however wrong it may be, Helena had a point – they may never get this chance again.

So she forced the words back, fingers tightening at Helena's waist, dragging her closer once more as their mouths met again in a heated kiss. She was unable to hold back a moan as hands moved experimentally to cup her breasts, thumbs circling her nipples lightly. Her nails dug into the soft skin of Helena's waist, leaving crescent marks behind.

She pushed herself back from the door, guiding H.G back towards the bed – she paused when they reached it, breaking the kiss only so that she could yank at Helena's shirt, pulling it over her head before she was divested of her own.

After quick hands had shoved her shorts down, too, leaving her in only her underwear, hungry eyes traced up and down her figure, lingering at her chest before warm hands were spinning her around and pushing her roughly down on the bed.

Helena's lithe form was draped over her a second later, drowning out her protests that H.G was still dressed while she was pretty much naked with a skilled tongue as hands returned to her chest once more.

Her hips canted upwards as Helena continued to tease her, mouth moving down the slope of Myka's neck once more, pressing heated kisses to her skin. She felt like she was on fire, every nerve in her body short-circuiting every time Helena's lips caressed her skin.

She was unable to stop the moan that tumbled from her lips when a warm mouth enveloped one of her nipples, a tongue flicking teasingly across the stiff peak. One hand tangled itself in raven hair, holding Helena close as a jumbled mess of curses came from her mouth – it had been far too long since anything had felt so good.

Her other hand clutched at H.G's back, nails dragging over porcelain skin hard enough to make the inventor groan against her skin. They were kissing again, then, Helena's head lifting as Myka's hands moved to undo the bra that covered too much of Helena's skin for her liking.

Once it was off her hands moved everywhere, teasing at her breasts before grabbing at her ass, grinding hips down onto her thigh. She could feel how wet the other woman was even through the jeans she wore, knew she was the same – it would have been embarrassing had she not been so certain that H.G was in the same state.

It seemed to take far too long for Myka to ease Helena's jeans down to her thighs until the elder woman got the message and shuffled them off, dropping them to the floor. They took a moment to revel in the feeling of being pressed so intimately together before underwear was being torn at, and they both let out a loud moan at what it felt like to have no barriers between them.

It was the first time she'd ever been with a woman, but Myka wasn't about to let Helena know that (if she hadn't already guessed), one hand sliding between their bodies to the apex of the inventors thighs, breathing out a quiet curse when she felt just how _much _the other woman wanted her, one finger moving easily through her folds.

Her eyes fluttered shut when Helena did the same to her, almost cautiously, and then she was pressing two fingers into her and Myka's head fell back against the pillow, and she was surprised that she didn't draw blood when she bit down on her lip in an effort to keep quiet.

"I want to hear you," Helena murmured into her ear, voice husky as she started to move her fingers, pulling out and then back in, far too slowly for Myka's liking. She remembered herself then, managing to just barely match H.G's rhythm, as her free hand clutched at the elder woman's back once again, urging her closer.

She couldn't hold back her moan when Helena's thumb grazed against her clit, and the smirk that spread across the other woman's face was positively devilish as she did it again, and again, until Myka's head was spinning and she was sure that she was going to fall over the edge far too quickly, but then Helena's fingers stilled, and when Myka's eyes opened to glare at her she merely smirked once more.

"Not yet," was the only explanation she received, as her mouth lowered to kiss Myka's lips once more, fingers starting to move again, sinfully slowly. She curled her own fingers deep within the other woman, felt the resounding moan reverberate through their kiss, and felt a little gratified that at least she didn't seem to be as awful as this as she'd always imagined.

They mirrored one another's movements for what felt like an age, foreheads pressed together, lips occasionally meeting. Myka was sure that she was going to explode before Helena would let her come – she felt like she'd been brought to the edge a thousand times, but never permitted to tumble over it.

When it finally came, she wasn't prepared for the force of her orgasm – she yanked Helena down into a bruising kiss to try and smother the sounds that sprang from her lips as she came undone, the feeling of Helena spasming around her fingers nearly sending her over again.

It was a long time before she came down from the high, her breaths coming in sharp pants, her eyes seemingly unable to open. She could feel Helena's smile against her cheek, and her arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer.

"I daresay that was just as perfect as I imagined," Helena murmured into her ear before pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek and rolling to one side. Myka moved so they were lying side-by-side, unable to quite believe her luck – much as she had imagined it, she had never truly believed that she'd ever see Helena like this, with a sated smile, flushed skin and mussed hair, breathing heavy as she watched Myka carefully.

"I have to agree." She slung an arm around Helena's waist, shuffling closer and resting her head against the inventors shoulder.

"I hope you're not planning on sleeping, darling," Helena drawled then, and when Myka looked up it was into gleaming eyes. "The night is still young." She leant across to murmur the next few words with her lips pressed to Myka's. "And I have plans for that mouth of yours that don't involve talking…"

x-x-x

When she woke up the next morning, she knew without opening her eyes that Helena would no longer be there. The space next to her, where H.G had been curled up for the better part of the night, was empty, and as she stretched out an experimental arm it was to discover that the sheets were cold – she'd clearly been gone for a while.

When she cracked open bleary eyes it was to see a note lying on the pillow where Helena had slept. She was reluctant to read it, to shatter whatever illusion they'd managed to build up the night before, but it proved too momentous to ignore and eventually she snatched the paper up, eyes devouring each and every word.

_Dearest Myka, _

_There are so many things that I wish I could say to you. But I fear that if I do, I shall never be able to leave the haven that has become this room. I wish I could tell you that last night changed things for me, but I never was able to lie to you, after all. I wish that I could promise you a future, but alas I don't think I'll ever be able to offer you what you deserve. _

_Just know that, whatever happens, even if we never lay eyes upon each other ever again, that there will always be a place for you in my heart. I will never forget you, and I will never forget the night we shared with one another, either. I fear it will be branded into my memory with perfect detail until the very day I die. _

_I have loved you for the longest time, _

_Helena. _

She was crying before she'd even finished reading, tears sliding down her face. She wiped them hastily away as she caught a glance of the time from the clock on the opposite wall and cursed – Pete was going to be knocking on her door, asking if she was ready for them to head to the airport any time now. And there she was, a blubbering mess, still sans any clothing, clutching a letter as if her life depended on.

And, she mused, as she forced herself to stand up, to get ready, to get dressed and pack her things away, it did. For Helena would always be a part of her life, had managed to ingrain herself so fully into Myka's mind that she was sure that she would never be rid of her. And as she replayed the words from the letter in her head once more she decided that, much as it hurt, at least she was sure, now, that Helena felt exactly the same thing for her.


End file.
